Love's the only House

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 00:32:45 PDT

I got your letter. I'm sorry the world is so ugly.
You are so brave.

And I can't explain it and I can't understand
But I'll come down and get my hands dirty and together we'll make a stand...

Don't you know that
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain
-Martina McBride

I blame Jon

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 18:59:49 PDT

For rapid initiation of guilt complezes while working at a computer, see tip
#2

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lesley-m-m-blume/10-time-hallowed-recessio_b_100853.html

lol

Test

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 15:23:31 PDT

workin' hard or hardly workin? ........ :)

IMG_1141.JPG

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 15:22:55 PDT

downtown 4th ave

Test

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 15:21:57 PDT

The view from the office is INCREDIBLE!!

IMG_0629.JPG

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 14:52:29 PDT

"Female Blackmail" cd release in Everett; March 2008

Test

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 14:51:54 PDT

Augustine. Poet. Artist. Maker of awesome faces.

And we danced anyway...

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 23:35:08 PDT

On my way to the auto repair shop today, my friend who was kind enough to drive me to my car said he couldn't believe I was running on only three hours of sleep and had done so much the night before.

I sewed part of a dress, worked on a tank top I'm knitting (halfway done! WOOT!) went grocery shopping at 2:30am and started the prep for my entry for the company chili cookoff happening this thursday. (tomorrow)

I don't follow directions. I don't use recipes. I just grab spices, foods and I create. We'll see how it goes over tomorrow. Not sure how a predominantly republican office will feel about a vegan, whey free, gluten free, whole foods chili. No preservatives, no artifical colors, flavors, addins and NOTHING came from a can or packet of anything. That was mainly inspired by a lot of conversations I've had with Lilo lately about diets and nutrition. Whole foods just taste better anyway.

I ran out of chili powder. I'm almost done cooking up the sautee for the tofu. :) then I can let it finish setting overnight and warm it up tomorrow before the competition. All entrants get $20 to cover costs and I think winner gets $50. I can't remember. apparently it's the biggest deal our company puts on all year... I find it hilarious. I've never been to a chili cook-off before and only entered because a few of my friends said they wanted to see a hippie screw up a batch of chili. Little do they know, I'm actually a really damn good cook.

I told my mom what ingredients I was using (random things I like that I decided to put into a crock pot and as she apprehensively said "ummmmmmm are you SURE?" she started flipping through her cookbooks and found several "world famous" chili recipes that used a bunch of the "odd" ingredients I have. So that was cool.

My mom asked how much I was making so I didn't run out and I said I didn't know. She asked how big the crockpot was and the best I could answer was "ummmm I can feet both my feet in it!"

Apparently that's enough to feed 100 dixie cup servings for the context. lol My main problem right now is to STOP putting my finger in my eye even though I THINK all the jalapenos washed off. lol

Also, I don't care what anyone says, there's no such thing as "too many jalapenos. :D

cooking is fun. it's like... art you can eat. :)

Extrañándote

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 18:05:25 PDT

I heard a song on the way home. It made me think a lot. I think it's a
wonderful beauty that, as artists, we can still find so much beauty in so
much sadness of our lives.

I Still Miss You - Keith Anderson

I've changed the presets in my truck
so those old songs don't sneak up
they still find me and remind me
yeah you come back that easy
try restaurants I've never been to
order new things off the menu
that I never tried cause you didn't like
two drinks in you were by my side

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you
I still miss you baby

I never knew til you were gone
how many pages you were on
it never ends I keep turning
and line after line and you are there again
I dont know how to let you go
you are so deep down in my soul
I feel helpless so hopeless
its a door that never closes
no I don't know how to do this

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

The distance between you and me

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 23:45:45 PDT

Yesterday was a really hard day. Today wasn't a whole lot better.
My mom's been getting a lot of medical testing and it's not turning out
happy results.

The last time I saw her was in Mexico at my abuelo's funeral in April, right
before she got sick. She's always been the strongest person I've known so
it's hard to see her be anything else.

Summer crept up on me this weekend. People complained that it was too hot. I
think we barely broke 82.
It's hot inside my house tonight. Not uncomfortably so, but enough that you
notice. It's a nice heat. The kind where you just want to lie in the
darkness and wait for a breeze to sneak through the window. My new roommate
has been out of town the last few days. It's odd, I feel less "alone" when
he's gone. When my other roommate would leave town, the house just felt
empty. This feels a bit like quiet peace. Not that I would rather live
alone, it's just a nice alternative to have every once in a while.

It's nights like this that remind me of Arizona. Hot nights when we'd turn
the light on in the swimming pool and just lie on rafts and float around
until we were half asleep.

I took this picture the last time I went home to Arizona in 2005. It's still
one of my favorites, even if that camera wasn't nearly as good as my current
one. I was driving down the highway and when I looked out my window, I
literally slammed on my breaks and jumped out of my car to take the picture.

Washington sunsets are pretty with the water and the trees but after a
while, they all start to look the same.
The desert is different. There are no crowded parks with families, there are
no trees or piers or lakes. There's really nothing out there but you and
dirt. But it never feels empty or alone. It's just... a quieter place to
think.

I miss it more tonight than I have in a long time, but it's okay. Because I
know deep down, the only think left for me there is dirt. And it's okay. We
all grow up eventually.

New Locks

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 02:33:45 PDT

Scissor Strike = over.

I got my hair cut today at a barbershop/ tattoo shop/ piercing shop all
rolled into one. I could hear the buzz of a tattoo needles over the noise of
the blow dryer. It was pretty funny.

I told the girl I wanted a vintage/retro look and, beyond that, I trusted
her with the caution "have fun, but don't shave my head."

She used a TWO HUNDRED dollar pair of shears to cut my hair in the front.
Apparently the shears normally cost FIVE HUNDRED dollars.
The haircut itself was $25 and the reactions I've gotten so far have been
priceless.

Audrey Hepburn, eat yer heart out! ;)

The difference between Black and Night

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 00:38:41 PDT

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for... and certain of what we do not
see."

Darkness is darkness. But it somehow feels so much scarier when you go to
bed and the house is dark because the power is out, as opposed to when you
just turn all the lights off.

I was hired a while back for a freelance gig doing filming for this event
over the last three days and tonight was the last night. I got to record
with a REALLY expensive hi-def camera that's worth almost as much as my CAR!
All week long I was really nervous because I hadn't made a film or done any
extensive filming in several years. I'd gotten back into it in April, but
nothing "big time" like this. I was told I was hired because I was "one of
the best" with "an artistic eye for creativity." ... flattered doesn't even
begin to scratch the surface.

Honestly at the end of a 14 hour workday, I had more fun in the last 4 than
I had in any of the best weeks at my day job. I told one of my friends in
(slight) jest that if I'm still at my current job when 2009 rolls around,
I'd quit and go to beauty school. He said "that's great, but it's not your
calling. You belong behind a camera."
Someone else also told me a couple months ago that I was never happier in
life than when I was working in television. It wasn't until Wednesday night
that I realized I've been in this field for almost 10 years.

None of this has anything to do with my reason in this post.
On my way home, the entire city block leading up to my apartment was without
power. The giant 24/7 grocery store, four gas stations, 12 stoplights,
everything was pitch black.

What was most beautiful though, was that the streets were suddenly filled
with people wandering about, people walking their dogs with flash lights and
college kids running around arm in arm as if they'd sudden;y been set free
from the world.

I have no idea what happened, everything was dark when I got off the
freeway. For a moment, I realized it was a little scary because you couldn't
see what was out there. But as I saw these people wandering in their dark
coats and dark pants out in the middle of a dark moonless night, I felt a
sense of peace and almost started laughing as a the thought hit me that
these people probably got what they deserved.

We rely so much on the things we can see, the things we have proof of, the
things we don't need to believe in because they are around enough for us to
take them for granted. Being thrown into a little darkness is good for the
soul. it reminds you that faith is always scary, but if you know the roads
you're following, you have nothing to be afraid of.

I'll admit, I was the tiniest bit disappointed when the lights were on at my
apartment complex. But then again, if the power had been out here, I
probably wouldn't have shared the story with anyone.

See Me...

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 23:50:22 PDT

This my friend Jon. We were hanging out and I was playing with his glasses.
when I took them off, I made him freeze so I could take a picture.

He thinks I'm silly. :)

D-Day

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 14:36:22 PDT

The Strike is over.

what next?

*looks at Lilo suspiciously* ....

:)

Lullagoodbye

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 09:55:21 PDT

I had a dream last night that I ran into a friend... quite literally, and spilled his coffee all over the floor. When I came back with another cup, I saw someone hiding in the corner by him. When I left, the person followed me.

I left the diner and went walking down the boardwalk (because in my dreams, there are apparently boardwalks at sunset? lol) and the person followed close behind.

I finally turned and asked why they were following me and said they were sorry and wanted to be friends and hugged me.

One of my friends told me last week that I don't have "normal" dreams and they're always something fantastical like breathing underwater or saving an indigenous tribe from a famine or something. He said I should have "normal" dreams like seeing a dog crossing the street or doing homework.

I supposed last night's dream could be considered normal. After the sun set, I went home and found my roommate had scrubbed the shower sparkling clean and had removed the five bottles of shampoo that he'd left in there, empty for six months now.

But the thing is, I'd rather have dreams about breathing underwater, having a perfect shot with an m-16 or speaking fluent chinese because at least I KNOW at the time that I'm dreaming. This almost-real stuff is crap. Because I wake up with hope that the world might be a little better than when I went to sleep. I guess the term "dreamer" slips into an ironic pun in these cases.

Because my roommate never cleaned the shower, even when I asked him nicely. It only gets clean when I do all the work.

I'm tired of doing all the dirty work when I know that if I just close my eyes long enough... I can fly.

*sigh*

but for now, *someone* still has to clean the shower before my new roommate moves in. I guess we all have to wake up and smell the scrubbing bubbles sometime... lol

This Time Around...

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 02:42:33 PDT

They say if we don't learn from our past, we are doomed to repeat it.
Normally that would be taken in a negative context. However, we sometimes
meet people of great stature and influence who carry with them the faith to
move mountains and the confirmation to seal many a fates.

One such person is a woman named Julie. See the necklace in that picture?
She bought that for me five years ago as we strolled through Saks 5th ave.
Later that day, we had iced tea in the hotel bar of the Westin Hotel in
downtown Portland.
She looked at me very matter-of-factly and said "One day you're just going
to wake up and realize that you're life sucks and that you deserve better.
You'll pack your bags and then you'll leave and call me and come down to
Hollywood like you should have done years ago." She was right about me
leaving. And probably not a week has passed without writing her letters in
my head that I was too afraid to actually send. I promised myself I wold
"make something of myself" before calling her so she would see that I could
actually do something better with my life than when she met me. But by the
time I finally did, I'd lost her phone number.

See the guy on the right? That's Ryan Stiles. See the guy on the left?
That's Greg Proops. Ryan invited Greg to come up this weekend and do a show
with him. After the show Ryan said Greg had Julie's number and I could get
it from him. With his arm around me, he walked me over to Greg, who shook my
hand and introduced himself. I shyly said "you probably don't remember me
but.. I went on tour with you guys back in 2003." And Ryan said "Greg, you
remember Beckie, right??"

He gave me the most serious look and said "Of course I remember you!
How are you?"
I found out later that I was the only girl who'd ever gone on one of the
tours.
We talked most of the night. I asked him if he had Julie's number. And he
did.... in his hotel room. He asked me for my phone number and email and
said he'd email me the information tomorrow. As they left the bar tonight, I
asked Greg if I could trouble them for a quick photo. Ryan said "umm, you're
gonna be in it WITH us... right? You have to be in it."

And so it goes.

I heard two incredibly profound quotes this week.
1. You only get old when your regrets start replacing your dreams.
2. It's never too late to become what you could have been.

Words to live by...
This time around, my only regret will be that I never did it sooner.

The Steak Letters

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 14:50:50 PDT

The Steak Letters:
Without a doubt, the most amazing thing God has given me in my entire life.
I am beyond words. I am without words. I feel resurrected.

I've been clean-sweeping my room the last couple of weeks and finally hit
"big box of doom." It was knee-deep with remnants of the last 6 years of my
life. It was the ultimate lottery of things you hate yourself for
forgetting, things you hate yourself for remembering, useless stacks of
papers you can't remember why you once thought were so important, notes from
friends, letters, cards, pictures... it goes on.

I have no idea how to even describe what the adventure has felt like. It's
kept me awake sorting through memories when I should have been sleeping,
I've spent all day at work excited to get home and keep digging through it,
it's been sad knowing some things will never exist again it's been
overwhelming discovering some things didn't actually die, they just got
buried really deep.

Halfway through the whole adventure, I came across the steak letters. I
haven't felt like the same person since then. If I could have any wish from
a magical genie, it would be that this feeling never ends.

I never knew something so seemingly ordinary could be so unbearably
necessary in my life. And for that, I will always be filled with joy.

I think about Joni Mitchell's Big Yellow Taxi a lot and as years go by, I
feel a slight disagreement tugging at my sleeve. She's got a point, don't
get me wrong, but I think maybe it's not always that you don't know what you
got til it's gone, but that sometimes, as time passes, you realize that
things were even more amazing than you could even see at the time.

I hope when I'm old, I can look back on my life and feel the same about all
my years on earth. Because right now, life is good. Really good. But I'm
waiting for the day I burst into tears when I look back and realize it just
kept getting better. :)

DREAM IN A BOX!

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 17:51:44 PDT

ZOMG!! MY DREAMS CAME IN A BOX FROM UPS!!

What I'm wondering though, is how they managed to fit a pony, a
talldreamyhunky nerd boy, new melatonin DNA, a six year supply of lip gloss,
Bob Dylan, Pauly Shore with a wedding ring, a mechanical bull, a limitless
supply of Jello pudding pops, a bigger bra and 2 inches of tibia all in one
little box!

:D

Dream big.

I guarantee something from that list is in my dream box. ;)
This is the funnest day ever.

I was driving home and saw these college boys who live on the hill of the
main street through the Uni and they had a HUGE sign in their front yard
that said "You Honk, We Drink" so I beeped my horn as many times as I could
as I drove past. All ten of them stood uip and cheered.

Honestly, of all the best fun things that happened today, THAT was what made
my day. I have no idea why. I guess I just love that the sun is shining, the
clouds are big and fluffy, and SOMEONE is having fun on a Friday afternoon.

Tonight's the first baseball game of the season for the local teams. I got
picked to throw the first pitch. Most of my friends said they voted for me
because they wanted to watch me trip and fall, or throw the ball as hard as
I could and have it land at my feet.

I'll have someone record video so we can see which of my friends know me
best. ;)
Also, apparently there is No just thing as the "MBA" .... Major Baseball
Association.

Yeah, I'm not gonna live that down at the office for a while. lol
This is what happens when I blurt out the first thing that comes to my mind.

Oh, and did I mention this is a COMPANY-WIDE event? so everyone from like,
the receptionist to the president of the company will be there to watch me
make a complete ass of myself.

it's gonna be great! :) lol

Casual Friday

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 15:49:25 PDT

Sometimes you just need to kick back with a fat slice of cake and tell
Corporate America to call you back later. :)

Self-Actual

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 01:37:48 PDT

The human life had many levels. The first is the basic needs of food, shelter
and money. The second level is school and work. The third level is family,
friends and relationships. At the top of the pyramid is Self-Actualization.
The point at which you can rise above the rest and really look at your life
in more than just survival mode.

In the process of cleaning out the thousands of emails from my old account
that I finally got into tonight, I found the following comments in a letter
that immediately put me in tears.

What I ought to have said was, "do you want me to stay? Because I will,
just say the word."
She may be a ship followed by storms, but that ship is going places and will
not stop or falter....

There are few times in my life when I am rendered completely speechless.
Tonight is the quietest night in years.
Sometimes it's better that way... :)

YAHOO!!!!!

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 21:15:27 PDT

Best excuse for not paying student loans?

"The e-bill was sent to an account I couldn't remember the password for and
couldn't get into for 8 months." (not that I'm 8 months behind though)

Please also apply the same excuse to anyone who's tried to email me at yahoo
for the last year too.

Man, I must be popular!

Ex-Lovers and Bookshelves

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 18:22:37 PDT

This is the latest edition to my vintage furniture collection.

A wicked cool 60s-esque record player cabinet. It holds the player in the
middle and the records on the sides.
I now officially have 4 bookshelves, one dresser cabinet, one box spring,
two mattresses, one couch, one futon, one dining room table, two chairs, one
5-disc cd changer, one 1970s cassette player, one record player 1 Fleetwood
Mac album, a plant stand, a computer desk and a poster of women artists in
history

that have all been given to me by various guys I've known over the last 5
years.

My life is pretty much awesome. I officially own one bookshelf that I bought
and paid for myself that came from a store brand new and one tv stand that a
former boyfriend type person helped me put together. Other than that, I
bought a vintage record stand (the current new one will be my new tv stand
and sewing cabinet) and a super cool 60s coffee table. But those were both
from value village. I swear, I could be a millionaire and I'd still by
getting dirty hippie clothes and funky vintage furniture from that place.
lol

I'm doing laundry today. And listening to The Shins. Sometimes I feel like
I'm one cat short of being a divorced empty nester. lol Noting to friends
that the dining table is "something my ex left behind" doesn't help. lol But
it sure makes me giggle.

Furniture is fun. I'm not sure why. I guess I just really love the fact that
I can choose to use or not use coasters on anything, put my feet wherever I
want and no one can tell me I might ruin the furniture. it's all mine. I
think ownership of large items creates a sense of a responsible self that
bridges the gap between "20something" and "Grown-up."

My friend mentioned earlier that our mutual friend will turn 27 in a few
weeks and my first thought was "wow. He's gonna be old."

And then I remembered I'm still older than him.
I think I've finally reached a point in my life where I stop seeing the past
as "years I wasted"... "time I lost".. or "things that got away."
I've been ALIVE for 27 years. And in that time, I've done some pretty cool
stuff. I might not have always gotten to where I wanted to be, and sometimes
I didn't get there until much later. But regardless, I lived to tell tales I
never expected to journey. And that's still worth something.

One of the nicest things I was ever told, my good high school friend Zoe
said "I envy you. I had my life all planned out. I graduated high school
early, went straight to college, graduated a year early, got married and had
started my career all by the age of 21. You don't really have a plan besides
graduating someday, but you're having fun along the way and trying
everything out."

And you know, she was right. I spent 8 years in college for a degree in
Absolutely NOTHING. I'm not kidding, I have a Bachelor of Arts degree with a
major focus in journalism, photo journalism and photography; and a minor
focus in women's studies and linguistics.
They said high school would prepare me for college and college would prepare
me for "The Real World."

A year and several months after graduation, the only thing I've learned
about "The Real World" is that there are no rules, there are no plans unless
you make them, and the only thing to limit you in life is yourself.

I might look back 15 years from now and wonder why on God's green earth I
would EVER have thought it a good idea to reupholster my couch in orange
blue and yellow tie-dye, why I thought dirty thrift store clothes and
furniture were anything I'd want to be seen in and why my house was always
ankle-deep in half-finished craft projects.

If I ever get there, I hope someone will be kind enough to whisper "Because
it was fun."
My washer is off balance and thumping against the wall. I might act like a
"grown up" but until I have a solid "plan"... I'm still just a kid waking up
each day to new adventures.

Full Circle

Sat, 31 May 2008 12:51:12 PDT

Sometimes, some dreams are too big to die. Even if you die first.

I have a stack of tickets that never won me anything in life.

This one isn't lucky.
It's just a promise to stop running away from the good things I once had in
life.

To everything, turn, turn, turn.

Long-forgotten seasons are upon me.
It's time to step back into the sun. Five years is too long.

:)

Happiness is

Fri, 30 May 2008 20:40:23 PDT

It's Friday night.

I'm single.

I'm spending the night in.

I really don't have any groceries.

I don't have cable tv.

And yet, I have so many fun things to do that I actually had to make a list so I can multi-task and get as much fun in as possible before I have to pass out and sleep for a VERY long and busy day tomorrow.

I should be crying into a pint of Ben and Jerry's.

I'm really the luckiest girl in the world. I am bursting with joy and excitement.

Why?

Because I can.

If life truly is "a highway"... I want to drive in both lanes and stop at every tourist trap known to God and Man alike. Because sometimes life is too awesome to fit into a reason why.

:)

I love you all!

Recent items from somniumfate on Treemo

Love's the only House

I blame Jon

Test

IMG_1141.JPG

Test

IMG_0629.JPG

Test

And we danced anyway...

Extrañándote

The distance between you and me

New Locks

The difference between Black and Night

See Me...

D-Day

Lullagoodbye

This Time Around...

The Steak Letters

DREAM IN A BOX!

Casual Friday

Self-Actual

YAHOO!!!!!

Ex-Lovers and Bookshelves

Full Circle

Happiness *is*

Happiness is